this is my favorite charlie story. actually, this is my favorite story that charlie tells. if we’re together at a gathering and anything remotely comes up that reminds me of this story, i tell him to tell it. he rolls his eyes and says he doesn’t want to, but i always get my way because i’m the oldest and he’s the youngest and that’s the way things work.
amirite? 
i want to say it was thanksgiving of 2008. or it could have been 2009. or it was spring? it may have been the day i got 33 miles to the gallon on my malibu on my drive from fargo to north branch. BUT I DIGRESS.
i’m going to take some writer liberties and say that charlie’s friend from college, cody jerry, lives in north branch. i’m pretty sure he does, but just in case he doesn’t i’ll claim writer bias. also, i love that name because it’s so easy to remember – two first names, but one’s really his last name. cody jerry. anyway.
charlie was getting a ride either to st. cloud or to north branch to meet me and come to my house for an event (who knows what event that is at this point). charlie, it turns out, cannot eat fast food and then drive or ride in a car. i don’t know why. i don’t think he knows why. perhaps this will be fixed when he gets all better. either way, it’s bad news bears when he eats fast food and then sits in a car.
cody jerry was hungry, however, and decided to stop at arby’s. charlie, although he knew that it was bad news, was overcome by the power of arby’s and decided just this once he could eat something and be okay.
not the case.
just north of clearwater i believe, on I-94*, he had some stomach rumblings that would not stop and could not stop unless he found a bathroom pronto. unfortunately for charlie (and cody jerry’s car), no bathroom was in the immediate proximity. 
charlie finally got the ovaries to tell mr. jerry to pull over because if he didn’t, his car was soon to be a mess. cody jerry pulled over. charlie hightailed it to the woods.
now, there is a hat/beanie involved at this point. apparently charlie had this awesome hat that he was wearing (on his head) as he was fleeing to the woods to let loose his bowels (i’m sure he’s so glad i’m telling this story for the world to see). 
he made it to the confines of the woods. did his business. used some leaves to clean up. got back to cody jerry’s car, relieved and relieved, and they continued on their way to meet me.
but somewhere along the way…
“i LOST my HAT!” was the first thing he said to me. 
and you know, i almost believe him? i mean, it could have been that he was so overcome with distress in lower bowels that his hat flew off and is still sitting in the wooded area just north of clearwater. 
but a knitted hat would sure be a lot more comfortable to clean up with than some leaves. 
just sayin’.
 
*if he was north of clearwater, it had to be thanksgiving. we’re going with ’08.