Life in the Cheese Drawer

Tapas is the discomfort we feel when we are deliberately changing a habit or way of thinking, and I think that discomfort can be physical, mental, and emotional.

Tapas is actually heat – by challenging our long-standing beliefs and ways of life, we “burn up” our old patterns so we can grow, physically and spiritually. It takes time to create a new behavior – I think I read somewhere that it takes at least two weeks of regular practice of any new thing in our lives for it to becomes more behavior like. It might be more, since humans are creatures of habit and take time to change.

Because I am a stubborn middle-aged coot, when I decide to do something, I usually do it. Unless it’s unfathomably out of reach or a stupid idea, I generally follow through on my goals. So when I decided to start running regularly, I did it. It was hard at first, but I powered through. When I started doing yoga every day, I did it because it was my goal. It was hard to do it every day at first, but now it feels weird if I miss a day. When I decided to stop eating corn syrup, and I had to read all the food labels, I was like, whyyyyy, at first. Now it’s second nature.

The discomfort of starting each of those habits was pretty intense, but now it’s not a problem at all; second nature.

The thing that’s interesting about tapas, and this goes back to santosha, is that our habits and viewpoints, especially when it comes to social issues or non-tangible things, can take time to evolve. Does this create the heat of discomfort? Many times, our opinions about such things just gradually change little by little until we have a different viewpoint on it. Take, for instance, public opinion on same-sex marriage. In 2001, less than 40% of people in the US supported same-sex marriage, and in 2018, that was up to more than 60%. Over the course of less than 20 years, 20% of the population changed their minds. I would posit that opinions weren’t magically changed overnight for many people. Maybe it was a more pervasive representation of the LGBTQIA+ community in media; maybe someone had a family member who came out (which, initially could have caused some tapas); maybe there were enough thinkpieces floating about that people went from NO to well, maybe to huh I guess it could be ok to ok yes, everyone should have a chance to consensually marry who they love.

The gradual work we do in santosha is intertwined with tapas. Maybe the work is so gradual that the discomfort we feel during the change of habit isn’t overwhelming. Or maybe people want that discomfort to be in their face and the work to be less gradual. But we all have a process, and santosha and tapas are a part of it. And likely worth it 🙂

I don’t consider myself religious in any way. But I do think there is a universal energy, flow, earth mother – whatever you may call it – that connects us all, especially to nature.

There is a Wabanaki term called kciye, meaning harmony with the natural world. “It is not enough to know that we are a part of one living system. We must also take active steps to live in harmony with the rest of creation…We are only keepers of a way of life that is in harmony with earth. Every day, we much act in ways that acknowledge that we are part of one living system, a unified whole” (Sherri Mitchell from https://www.spiritofchange.org/core-values-of-the-indigenous-way-of-life/)

I like how different cultures have similar ways of looking at the ideal connection, whether it’s through the yoga sutras or kciye. As we’ve learned, humans, generally, are bad at this but can work at it. Mitchell goes on to say: “Human beings are the only species on the planet that has fallen out of step with creation.”

I am an oldest daughter (I have three siblings) and my mom is also an oldest daughter. As you can imagine, I like to control a lot of things, or at least know what the plan is. This is something that has always been the case for me, but I feel like during the past few years, this has lessened a little bit. I don’t know if it’s due to me just getting older and kind of not caring as much what people think, or if it’s due to me having a yoga practice every day that’s more of a meditation practice than for physical benefits, or what exactly it is.

So letting go of control is something that’s not easy, but it’s been getting easier. Whenever I am in a setting where there is a woo-woo or spiritual or other type of atypical connection, I always a little dubious, but I am never surprised when something different or unexpected happens. And I’ve been seeking them out lately, which is probably a byproduct of letting go of control

We see how control (and capitalism) have given humans a false sense of superiority in our world. It would take a lot to take a step back and look at how we can create a world that is not about accumulation and things and how we feel about ourselves, but letting that go and making a world that is better for everyone – everything.

The connections we have – with other people, with the world around us – that’s what Bachmam says isvara-pranidhana is. “Cultivating a heart-mind that sees the divine energy inside each person is the practical culmination of this niyama.” (203) It starts within and ends in each other and that around us: kciye

“The only way for us to regain our balance within creation is to once again find our balance with the natural world. Kciye is just a word, but it’s a word that reminds us of our deeper connections and our deeper obligations to life.” (Mitchell)

The niyamas all kind of coalesce together in the practice of svadhyaya, self study. When we take the time to do self study, we connect to our selves and those around us. What really fuels us? What makes us feel complete? What makes us feel like we are working to be better?

Moreso, what can we do to make sure that we really embrace and cultivate our svadhyaya? When we take the time to focus on ourselves, then we can share it more with others. And when we are more in tune with ourselves, we can then work on those habits and changing them so that our actions toward others aren’t harmful.

There are many ways I practice svadhyaya, but I feel like I have better ability to do this than many others since I have no kids. When you have responsibility for small people, I feel like your ability to focus on yourself as much isn’t priority one. But I hope that those who do have that responsibility are able to take time. If you’re not able to focus on yourself at all, that’s no good.

I feel overwhelmed at work quite a bit, even though I know that my boss is supportive and everyone knows that we’re understaffed. But requests continue to come in, and my new coworker is still getting it figured out. Plus it’s hard to explain how we have to spend a budget and why I can’t focus on you specifically and justify so much. The negativity was getting to be a lot. So when I had a chance to get away for a conference, it was a perfect time to connect my brain to why I keep doing this job. Being with like-minded people who have the same problems, but also with the opportunity to discuss solutions and the positives was so nice. I felt refreshed when I was back at work afterward.

On a personal note, I feel like taking this yoga teacher training has helped my svadhyaya more than anything else I’ve done. Even though I’ve done yoga for a long time and read some books on being in the moment and meditation, actually having the structure of a class and the accountability has really helped me focus on self study. What am I doing in my life that I could be doing better? How are my reactions unhelpful, or helpful? What am I doing for others that isn’t necessarily doing anything for me? And what do I need to do to maintain this after my program is over?

I’ve never been one to make long-term plans. There is too much spontaneity in life to adhere to a plan that doesn’t allow for opportunities that may come your way. That’s how I ended up in this class – I happened to come across it three weeks before the semester start, and I just decided to apply. I’m really happy I did, because this has been really one excellent, long-term way for me to practice svadhyaya.

After reading a few different interpretations of santosha, I think what sums it up best is marching to the beat of your own drum. In his book, Bachman says that santosha is “being satisfied with whatever you are doing, knowing that it, like everything else, will end.” Farther down the page, he says “When we conform to what we think others expect of us, in order to save face and be accepted by others, we are not content with ourselves.

And the best: “the best, most satisfying results come from sincere effort and gradual progress over time.”

I literally just talked about this at my leadership presentation, during my limits and flexibility portion. Maybe we don’t get into a pose on the first try, but if you want to progress, you work at it. It takes preparation and building, but eventually we get there

Let’s talk about running for a moment. For some reason, when people start running, they think they need to run at a 9:00/min/mile pace right away, for 3 miles. What! This is not how this works. When I started running, I spent 3 months doing couch to 5k, where you walk run walk run walk run for gradual increases in time and distance, and then you should be able to run a 5k. I STILL do not run fast, and I’m ok with that. Part of santosha is not being jealous of others’ progress, and running is something that I am 100% on board with that. I am in awe of those who can run faster than me and applaud them. And I continue to work at my own running pace. I’m training for a half marathon (again that gradual work of progress over time), and my long runs are usually slower than my shorter runs, but the 12 miles I ran yesterday was so slow. But I was ok with it, because I knew that I was still training, it was really windy outside, and I was aware of any knee pain I was having (which was much better).

Even if the half marathon in two weeks turns out to be a slow pace, I will still be ok with it because I will have accomplished it no matter the time. I put in the work, at my own pace, to my own goals. If I’d had to conform to the goals of the first-place winner, I know I would fail and I would probably injure myself. I’m ok with my slow running pace, progressing at my own rate.. My body is really thankful for this, too. If it’s a bad running day? I got out there. If my pace isn’t as fast as I’d expected? I moved that day and got to be outside And the super fast, first-place winners? I will cheer for them all day every day, because it’s something I can work toward, even if I will never reach it.

The line from Bachman’s book that I like the best though, is this: “Slowing down, stepping back, and appreciating the little things in life creates inner happiness.” Running has helped me in that aspect more than I realize. I notice my body more while I’m running – both my breathing method and the way my muscles are reacting and moving, along with niggling issues in the feet and knees. If I’m running in the springtime, I stop at the ponds and marches to listen to the frogs. When I’m out along the fields in the summer, I’ll stop and see how tall the corn is. Running in the woods in the fall? I pause to find red leaves on the path, check the sunset over the lake, or catch a glimpse of the geese heading south for the winter. Especially when I’m on the treadmill, I’m painfully aware of every moment that passes (so slowly) but glance sideways to see the cats snoozing peacefully on the guest bed next to me.

Generally, I am a happy positive person, and I have a lot to be grateful for, or least I perceive that I do. And the older I get, the more I notice how this is a wonderful thing to have.

I have to admit that when I first think of purity, my mind immediately is taken back to Catholic school and sins and having to confess your darkest, evilest secrets to a priest to take the stones out of your heart, which I’ve tried to distance myself from but, as is always the case, is from the formative years and hard to completely overcome.

But after reading about saucha as purity and cleanliness and how it’s not about purity of the soul so you avoid hell, but more about how we can do things on the daily to keep our mind and body clear and open – non-judgmental and ready to be in harmony with our world – that’s something that I can be more in tune with. (which is probably what the priests should have told us back in 2nd grade. i hope they’ve moved on from the stones in the heart thing.)

As far as saucha practices in my life that help with this, I am good in some ways and not so good in other ways. There are definitely things I can work on.

Before I started working at a college (10 years ago), my desk was immaculate. Everything was organized, in its place, a certain way so I knew what deadlines were ahead. Since I started working at a college, my desk is a shambled mess almost all the time, even though I know exactly where everything is. I know that I need to clean my desk more often, because when I do, I immediately get calmer. I do make lists all the time, which definitely helps me stay calm among the mess and helps clear my mind for the work I do.

When I get home during the workweek, I always do a yoga practice to unspool from the day. The mindfulness during a practice really helps me relieve the stress and busyness of the workday. Adding a meditation to it has really helped as well.

When it comes to saucha and nutrition, I have my moments. I will always have a sweet tooth and I will always enjoy eating cheese, bad snacks, and the occasional steak. But there are days that I realized that I haven’t had any meat, and those are getting to be more often (unintentionally). I will never identify as a vegan, or even a vegetarian, but eating less meat is helpful for the environment so I am ok with the accidental vegetarianism.

For the past 12 years, however, I have avoided corn syrup as much as possible. It slips in occasionally, but for the most part, I don’t eat any corn syrup, high fructose corn syrup, or variations of it (which corporations have tried rename on the ingredients lists). As a result of that, I end up buying more organic items, certain brands over others, or items with fewer ingredients. Or just not buying items at all – I haven’t had Trolli Britecrawlers in 12 years and I used to love those!

And that, along with running, actually caused some pretty drastic weight loss for me. I lost about 80 lbs. in 2-3 years after that diet change, along with running on a regular basis. I feel like running also is a way to take part in saucha. It’s a great way to get energy moving and toxins out of your body, and the mental journey you take on a run is something else. It’s the ultimate in self discipline because your body can keep going, but your brain wants to stop.

One thing that I know I have to work on (besides the whole eating too many cookies thing) is holding onto things with my relationships. I will remember things that happened and then bring them up, even after many years. And it’s not that I hold a grudge against that person – it’s just a relevant thing to the moment at hand and I like to remember it even if it’s not a great moment for the other person. It’s not malicious. I just need to let it go and let it out of my mind. Which is hard, but it’s something that I need to work on.

I could go on and on about saucha, but I think this is it for now!